Thursday, July 21, 2011

The start of something beautiful

I know its been forever since I have written but today felt like the perfect day to write:) the picture above was taken on the 4th of July. My boyfriend of 5 months Paul was sitting on my lap and his oldest son Xander (just turned 6 today!) sat on his lap so we grabbed the baby Zavier (1 year old) for this beautiful photo op :) I love them all so much and each day I am so grateful for the life I have. I read over a few of my old posts and most make me laugh just to see the things I was so focused on in those points of my life.
I have finally graduated hair school, got a job the day I finished my hours! Now working at a salon called Remedez in the Orem mall. I love doing hair but am still adjusting to the salon itself. I feel like I was spoiled with all the remodels and upgrades at my school.
I dont know if anyone even reads this blog anymore, but if so, I guess I should tell you the story of Paul and I :)
Back in January shortly after a pretty crappy break up, I was fed up with dating but at the same time, knew there was someone out there for me somewhere. I decided to try out a few dating websites, I had quiet the experince with that lol. had a lot of random conversations, and through it all kept seeing this guys profile, he only had one picture up and it was one that i couldnt really see his face. experience had taught me to not even go there since there was more likely than not... something they were hiding.
I finally decided to write him and our conversations carried on easily from there. In Feb we decided to meet. He came to my school one night to bring me a soda and from first sight I knew there was something in him. He was familiar to me, I just wanted to be close to him. We were both very nervous and he only stayed for a short while. As he left I walked him to the door and once he stepped outside, I waited before I headed back and something happened, he turned around and came back. I opened the door to see what he was doing and he asked if he could take me out sometime. Of course I said yes! :) A couple of the girls at school were cautious and wasnt sure if seeing him would be the best idea but I knew in my heart that he had something in him that was calling to me. Our first date was amazing, Feb 18th we went out for sushi and bowling, again we were both nervous but conversation was easy. While bowling I couldn't get enough of him. I barely paid attention to the game, I just wanted to talk to him or sit close to him. Oddly enough he thought he was "striking out" no pun intended ;) haha and I still to this day am not sure why he thought that, I kept leaning in closer to him while talking yet he kept sitting one chair away from me. When we walked back to his car to head to my house I wanted so badly to hold his hand but I was waiting for him to make the first move... he didnt. We ended up going to my house to watch a movie before the end of the night and by that point, it was needless to say we watched any part of the movie at all. Our first kiss was amazing and so was the one afer that and after that ;) in less than 2 weeks I knew I was in love. But wasnt sure how it was possible. We both have been married before and we both swore the next relationship we got into would be taken very slow. But almost exactly 2 weeks after our first date we told each other that we loved each other. It was only 2 months later when I had to move out of the place I was living due to contract issues. We decided then to move into a house together. We live a few blocks away from his family which I love. They have all been so great to me. There is so much more to this story but the main part is,
Its been so amazing having Paul and his boys in my life I love them so much and I am in such gratitude to stand where I do today and have the love and support of a family.
My life is changing all for the best and I couldnt be more happy! :D

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Gettin Back on Track

Maybe it is because its a new month, or maybe the fact that I got a lot of things off my chest these past few weeks, whatever it is, I feel a renewed sense of life coming about. I know my last post was pretty much a downer- not going to lie- I was really hurt. But the one true miracle about pain is it truly makes us stronger and better people. I have realized what things really don't matter as much to me as I "thought" they did.
I am also in complete gratitude for a few people in my life that are constantly teaching me lessons and opening my eyes to a new view point on things.
I have reached a point where I am over my break up, which is crazy since it really has only been a week since the split, but a lot has happened this past week, not to mention the fact that I am pretty much incapable of holding a grudge- which I am not complaining about. I decided if anyone was going to make me happy in life- it was going to be ME. I can't change the actions, words, or thoughts of others, but what I can change are my own as well as my reaction to others actions. I had a feeling to call my ex just to see how he is doing as well as let him know I am doing ok now...the second I went to my contacts and pressed dial- his picture popped up and my heart sunk...deep breath... secretly hoping for his voicemail to kick in but knocking that thought out of my head since that is a chicken exit out of the situation... however a few short rings later and I got his voicemail. Which by the way is a message he created while in a super happy mood and he tells everyone to have a great day because you deserve it. Listening to his attitude on the phone made me miss talking to him every day.....but anyway... :) I left him a message (voice shaking the whole time) and told him that no matter what, I am just grateful for what I have learned from him and that I truly do love him and his family dearly and do not ever want to lose them so I asked if we could just be friends since I really do feel I am in a good enough place now that I could see him as just a friend and be ok...
He didn't respond until the next night and he text me telling me that he would love it if we could be it is.
On another note :) I went home this past weekend to spend time with the fam, which usually consist of nothing more than me doing hair from sun up till sun down, but its a great thing its my passion :) I enjoyed being able to be there for my family and give them something that makes them feel beautiful. - I am going to be better at taking pictures after I do someones hair I can start showcasing my work...I usually just forget lol

Saturday night after getting everyones hair done with the exception of my nieces extensions, I went out with my mom and her bf Doug to Mesquiet to watch a comedy show and go dancing. My moms always hated stand up comics so I found it interesting she wanted to go, we ended up having such a great time, all 3 of the performers were awesome. :) After the show we headed out to the dance floor where the band was playing 80's music- which don't get me wrong, I love 80's music... but to dance to??? It was a little interesting at first and we considered leaving and heading to the Virgin River for country dancing, however I am more than grateful we didn't leave. We ended up having so much fun dancing and towards the end of the night I ended up hanging out w this guy who turned out to be an A-MAZING dancer and singer, he is a musician--seriously scored huge bonus points being able to sing and dance ;) and the fact that he is really good looking didn't hurt either ;) It was getting late and I really did not want to leave by that point...and he didn't want me to leave either- even though in just a few short hours he was supposed to be getting up to go golfing- he and his buddies were out there for a tournament that weekend. He was seriously the sweetest guy ever and kept telling me I couldn't leave him, he even offered to buy me my own room so I know I'd be safe if I just stayed a little longer with him. As much of a good time as that would have been, I knew I had to I did. :(
But meeting him has definitely took my mind off of a few things and whats even better is he lives in Ogden, I wish he lived out here closer to me, but still I am grateful that its not too far away. He asked me to come to one of his concerts, which I seriously can't wait for! :) He has his solo stuff online, you can check him out at and see for yourself how amazingly talented he is ;)

I was also treated to a very nice dinner date on Sunday with a guy I've known for over a year now. Things went well...I am not sure that will go anywhere but it felt great to be pampered by a guy for once! I got flowers, he cooked all the dinner, we watched a movie while giving me a foot rub... what more could ya ask for? haha I guess a connection would make things more perfect. But what can ya do? Can't win em all right?

School got a little crazy the other night, a lot of emotions were stirred up and a lot of venting occurred. It was the first time in over a year of being at that school that I expressed how crappy things had been going. Usually I do my best to look at the bright side of everything but I just wasn't happy at all the way things went that night.... luckily we have been blessed with two of the most amazing educators ever!!! They sat down with us for 4 hours until we got everything off our chest, the energy in the room was intense!!!! One girl in my class is so sweet, she couldn't stand to see everyone act like that so she got up to get us all ice cream. There are some things girls just gotta have when they are down ;) haha
last night I decided to treat everyone to soda and candy in order to make them have a good night. It turned out a lot of people were having crazy days yesterday too so candy and soda hit the spot.

I am just realizing how simple it is to make or break someones day. I definitely want to be committed in being a day maker. Life really is too short to let all the small stuff get to me. Even though I know its easier to say that do at times, but I am making a commitment  to myself to be the best me I can be. To make these last few months of school the best months ever, I really am going to miss all the girls there. They have become more family than friends. I also realize how much time I have spent separating myself from them because I felt like if I stuck to myself, I wouldn't have to get involved in the drama that everyone else is going through. I see now that was a pretty selfish way to go about things, I want to be there for them- the way they have been there for me.
Anyway, I am sure I rambled on in this post, but I just have had so many great things happen that I wanted to share. Things are only going up from here!
PS Thanks for all your love and support!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Private Life

Ok, so after I took my blog private I lost a lot of feed... pretty much all my readers stopped reading, that combined with the complete neglect to post anything at all lately has made this blog pretty lame.
I have decided to not be private anymore, nothing on here that I am trying to hide anyway...
Today I am doing a lot of thinking...which I know can be dangerous sometimes, the mind is a pretty crazy place.

I don't really feel like there are too many people out here that I can really talk to to get things off my chest so I am just going to be completely open on here... if you are reading this and get tired of what I am saying- don't read it. Its mostly for me to release the built up frustration and sadness I have been holding on to for some time.

With that said, I decided this year was going to be completely different. This is my year for opportunity, success, happiness, love...etc. Last November I started seeing someone that I have been friends with for over a year, things were really amazing with him, he told me so many things that just made me so happy and also amazed that for the past year he had these strong feelings for me- yet I was completely oblivious to them. The first night we hung out in November was also the night we had our first kiss, full of so much passion that the sparks were flying insanely. Both of us had to stop to catch our breath, finally a kiss that really was breath taking, you always see things on movies that all make us say "I want that!" "is that really real?" "Can love really make you weak in the knees?" The answer is, yes, it is very real, and to have that is incredible. I felt like one of the luckiest people on this Earth, to have such a strong connection that makes my body tremble with a simple kiss, to have butterflies dance in circles through out my stomach, to make my head feel light as air, feeling like everything is a dream, but opening my eyes to find its not a dream, it is reality. Kiss after kiss was the same, fireworks, butterflies....pure intense passion.
Holding his hand made me feel complete, gazing into his eyes made me feel like a little girl with a crush, and knowing that he was all mine was the icing on the cake.
He told me he loved me only weeks after our first date (on the phone), I didn't say it back at the time cause I really wasn't sure if he was saying it like... I REALLY LOVE LOVE you, or just saying, I love you, like I love my friends. Since we have known each other for a while we had said I love you- as friends.
I felt like I was in an interesting situation, I knew I was falling in love but wasn't sure if I should say it in case he wasnt meaning it like that. anyway, a few weeks later he said it to me in person and I knew he was saying he was in love with me, the second I said it back, the butterflies began to dance again.
Life felt perfect. Things were a little interesting though since he lives in SLC with out a car at the moment and I live in Orem with a full time job and part time school. I am gone from sun up to sun down during the week so we only had weekends to be together. On the plus side, it made us not take our time for granted. He works retail though so some weekends he would have to work, he is also a part of several committees so he has meetings galore that he gets to go to during the weekends. The past month I had been spending more and more of the weekends with his family while he went to his events. I would sometimes go with him but some of the meetings were honestly really boring since I had absolutely NOTHING to do with them...but I wanted to be there to support him. I even offered to start attending a sister group to one of his that was established for family/friends of people in the other group. His mom and I have an amazing relationship, actually I love everyone in his family. There were a few times where he would be a complete butt head and just not think about what he was doing and his entire family would stand up for me. They are seriously so amazing and I am in complete gratitude for all their love and support.
The other night I asked him to come talk to me though, I had a lot on my mind that I didn't want to talk on the phone about and I knew I'd drive myself crazy if I didn't talk to him about it before the weekend. He was super scared that I was breaking up with him or telling him some awful news or something. When in all reality I just had some stuff that I was feeling insecure about and after we talked about it he said he was relieved- not to make light of my concerns but he was thinking the worst. We talked for a while and made several re-committments to each other and things seemed great. Shortly after he mentioned how he doesnt allow himself to have the things he wants in life. I asked him what he wants and he listed off a few things like a working relationship, etc. so I said- the most important question I have to ask you you want to be with me?.........................nothing...............
complete silence
tears began to fall as I told him that his silence spoke volumes, he said it really did and that he hadnt realized it until then that he didnt want to even be with me anymore.
He then asked me if I wanted him to leave and I just didnt.... how could he feel like this now? Its only been a few months since our lives together was nothing but pure passion and real love. Last weekend was a little hard since we really didnt see each other at all- even though I was at his house...he wasnt there with me...
even when he came to talk to me, things were weird cause he didnt give me a hug or kiss when he got to my house- I figured it was just since he was stressing out that it was over. But the last kiss we had still had the sparks, still took our breath away... we both always talked about how amazing it was when we were together. and now.... it was completely gone. Where exactly did it go to???? How did I not see it leave???
Somehow things changed, whether it was his head or his heart that changed... I honestly dont know. I want to believe it was just his head that changed and his heart still feels the same, that he just got scared... something...anything besides it being over.
But the truth is... it is over. I am hurt, sad, name it.
I have never been like this over a guy before, I realized the way I felt when I was going through my divorce was even completely different than the way I feel now. I knew things with my ex husband and I were fading away, even though we tried hanging on- we both knew things were just gone that were there before. Maybe that made it easier for me to fall, I knew it was coming. And this completely blind sided me. What makes it worse is that I havent just lost the man I love, I lost the family that I love as well. Every Sunday we'd have dinner at his grandparents, I'd usually hang out with his grandpa in his office for hours listening to old music and talking about life. Last Sunday his grandma and I put together a whole puzzle then played the Wii for an hour! It was so much fun! That morning we had a group of people at the house that could play guitar so we had 4 of us with acoustic guitars, an electric guitar, a mandolin and an electric harp. We recorded several videos of all of us singing and playing. It was the most fun I had had in a LONG time. His family felt like my family. I love them deeply and hate that I have lost them.
His mom keeps in touch with me and tells me how much she loves me and things will work out. But just as I told him the night he left, I deserve better than that, I deserve to have someone want to be with me just as much as I want to be with them.
There is more to that story and the way I feel.... but on top of all that, I have had my car for close to 10 years now, yes 10 years I cant even believe that lol, I love my car, I was so determined to buy it as soon as I could in high school that I even paid $300 car payment and $300 insurance just so I could have my baby.
My mom and I are the only ones who have ever owned her and I must say for being a 99, traveling cross country 3 times, and going through the neglect of this past year....she is starting to have some boo boos.
One right now seems to be the passenger door, seeing how it is below freezing here almost daily the doors sometimes get iced over and dont like to open right away, I figured thats just what was happening at first but on a sunny day, it wasnt opening unless I opened it from the inside it just wouldnt work. Then the other night at school, I got it to open to get my bag out, but then.... new issue, it wouldnt shut!!!! it was 830 at night, freezing outside, I forgot my gloves that day and I am sitting on the dark, nasty oil and trash covered parking lot at my school all alone, trying to jam a key or screwdriver into my door to make it close... no luck. My educator came out to see if she could assist me at all but there was nothing we could do, I searched the school for tools to disassemble my door. Somehow I got the door off and LUCKILY got the door to close, however I am sure it is just a temporary fix so I have left it in pieces until I can go to St George this weekend so my brother can fix it for me. It makes me sad that my car is falling apart, it looks so ghetto right now and makes me depressed. I also realized that night how absolutely ALONE I am out here. My boyfriend at the time was 50 miles away and didnt have a car to come save me...all my family members are at least 4 hours away, the only person I could think to call to help was my ex boyfriend who is now dating the girl he cheated on me with last year.... I did end up calling him though cause I was in need of serious help, I couldnt drive my car until I could close the door. He didnt answer, turns out he was at the gym. I was super lucky that I got it to close by myself. But I havent felt so alone for such a long time.
There are alot of other stressers in my life at the moment too with wanting to quit my job so I can go to school full time, but I love what I do and I love making money. I dont want to lose this job, my insurance, paycheck. But I also just really want to get done with school so I can move away.
I have had a history with just running away from my problems, this time around school is forcing me to stay put and fight through issues, which  I am grateful for, I am learning a lot of life lessons. But I seriously need a break.... I feel like I just cant do this anymore.