Private Life

Ok, so after I took my blog private I lost a lot of feed... pretty much all my readers stopped reading, that combined with the complete neglect to post anything at all lately has made this blog pretty lame.
I have decided to not be private anymore, nothing on here that I am trying to hide anyway...
Today I am doing a lot of thinking...which I know can be dangerous sometimes, the mind is a pretty crazy place.

I don't really feel like there are too many people out here that I can really talk to to get things off my chest so I am just going to be completely open on here... if you are reading this and get tired of what I am saying- don't read it. Its mostly for me to release the built up frustration and sadness I have been holding on to for some time.

With that said, I decided this year was going to be completely different. This is my year for opportunity, success, happiness, love...etc. Last November I started seeing someone that I have been friends with for over a year, things were really amazing with him, he told me so many things that just made me so happy and also amazed that for the past year he had these strong feelings for me- yet I was completely oblivious to them. The first night we hung out in November was also the night we had our first kiss, full of so much passion that the sparks were flying insanely. Both of us had to stop to catch our breath, finally a kiss that really was breath taking, you always see things on movies that all make us say "I want that!" "is that really real?" "Can love really make you weak in the knees?" The answer is, yes, it is very real, and to have that is incredible. I felt like one of the luckiest people on this Earth, to have such a strong connection that makes my body tremble with a simple kiss, to have butterflies dance in circles through out my stomach, to make my head feel light as air, feeling like everything is a dream, but opening my eyes to find its not a dream, it is reality. Kiss after kiss was the same, fireworks, butterflies....pure intense passion.
Holding his hand made me feel complete, gazing into his eyes made me feel like a little girl with a crush, and knowing that he was all mine was the icing on the cake.
He told me he loved me only weeks after our first date (on the phone), I didn't say it back at the time cause I really wasn't sure if he was saying it like... I REALLY LOVE LOVE you, or just saying, I love you, like I love my friends. Since we have known each other for a while we had said I love you- as friends.
I felt like I was in an interesting situation, I knew I was falling in love but wasn't sure if I should say it in case he wasnt meaning it like that. anyway, a few weeks later he said it to me in person and I knew he was saying he was in love with me, the second I said it back, the butterflies began to dance again.
Life felt perfect. Things were a little interesting though since he lives in SLC with out a car at the moment and I live in Orem with a full time job and part time school. I am gone from sun up to sun down during the week so we only had weekends to be together. On the plus side, it made us not take our time for granted. He works retail though so some weekends he would have to work, he is also a part of several committees so he has meetings galore that he gets to go to during the weekends. The past month I had been spending more and more of the weekends with his family while he went to his events. I would sometimes go with him but some of the meetings were honestly really boring since I had absolutely NOTHING to do with them...but I wanted to be there to support him. I even offered to start attending a sister group to one of his that was established for family/friends of people in the other group. His mom and I have an amazing relationship, actually I love everyone in his family. There were a few times where he would be a complete butt head and just not think about what he was doing and his entire family would stand up for me. They are seriously so amazing and I am in complete gratitude for all their love and support.
The other night I asked him to come talk to me though, I had a lot on my mind that I didn't want to talk on the phone about and I knew I'd drive myself crazy if I didn't talk to him about it before the weekend. He was super scared that I was breaking up with him or telling him some awful news or something. When in all reality I just had some stuff that I was feeling insecure about and after we talked about it he said he was relieved- not to make light of my concerns but he was thinking the worst. We talked for a while and made several re-committments to each other and things seemed great. Shortly after he mentioned how he doesnt allow himself to have the things he wants in life. I asked him what he wants and he listed off a few things like a working relationship, etc. so I said- the most important question I have to ask you is....do you want to be with me?.........................nothing...............
complete silence
tears began to fall as I told him that his silence spoke volumes, he said it really did and that he hadnt realized it until then that he didnt want to even be with me anymore.
He then asked me if I wanted him to leave and I just didnt.... how could he feel like this now? Its only been a few months since our lives together was nothing but pure passion and real love. Last weekend was a little hard since we really didnt see each other at all- even though I was at his house...he wasnt there with me...
even when he came to talk to me, things were weird cause he didnt give me a hug or kiss when he got to my house- I figured it was just since he was stressing out that it was over. But the last kiss we had still had the sparks, still took our breath away... we both always talked about how amazing it was when we were together. and now.... it was completely gone. Where exactly did it go to???? How did I not see it leave???
Somehow things changed, whether it was his head or his heart that changed... I honestly dont know. I want to believe it was just his head that changed and his heart still feels the same, that he just got scared... something...anything besides it being over.
But the truth is... it is over. I am hurt, sad, alone....you name it.
I have never been like this over a guy before, I realized the way I felt when I was going through my divorce was even completely different than the way I feel now. I knew things with my ex husband and I were fading away, even though we tried hanging on- we both knew things were just gone that were there before. Maybe that made it easier for me to fall, I knew it was coming. And this completely blind sided me. What makes it worse is that I havent just lost the man I love, I lost the family that I love as well. Every Sunday we'd have dinner at his grandparents, I'd usually hang out with his grandpa in his office for hours listening to old music and talking about life. Last Sunday his grandma and I put together a whole puzzle then played the Wii for an hour! It was so much fun! That morning we had a group of people at the house that could play guitar so we had 4 of us with acoustic guitars, an electric guitar, a mandolin and an electric harp. We recorded several videos of all of us singing and playing. It was the most fun I had had in a LONG time. His family felt like my family. I love them deeply and hate that I have lost them.
His mom keeps in touch with me and tells me how much she loves me and things will work out. But just as I told him the night he left, I deserve better than that, I deserve to have someone want to be with me just as much as I want to be with them.
There is more to that story and the way I feel.... but on top of all that, I have had my car for close to 10 years now, yes 10 years I cant even believe that lol, I love my car, I was so determined to buy it as soon as I could in high school that I even paid $300 car payment and $300 insurance just so I could have my baby.
My mom and I are the only ones who have ever owned her and I must say for being a 99, traveling cross country 3 times, and going through the neglect of this past year....she is starting to have some boo boos.
One right now seems to be the passenger door, seeing how it is below freezing here almost daily the doors sometimes get iced over and dont like to open right away, I figured thats just what was happening at first but on a sunny day, it wasnt opening unless I opened it from the inside it just wouldnt work. Then the other night at school, I got it to open to get my bag out, but then.... new issue, it wouldnt shut!!!! it was 830 at night, freezing outside, I forgot my gloves that day and I am sitting on the dark, nasty oil and trash covered parking lot at my school all alone, trying to jam a key or screwdriver into my door to make it close... no luck. My educator came out to see if she could assist me at all but there was nothing we could do, I searched the school for tools to disassemble my door. Somehow I got the door off and LUCKILY got the door to close, however I am sure it is just a temporary fix so I have left it in pieces until I can go to St George this weekend so my brother can fix it for me. It makes me sad that my car is falling apart, it looks so ghetto right now and makes me depressed. I also realized that night how absolutely ALONE I am out here. My boyfriend at the time was 50 miles away and didnt have a car to come save me...all my family members are at least 4 hours away, the only person I could think to call to help was my ex boyfriend who is now dating the girl he cheated on me with last year.... I did end up calling him though cause I was in need of serious help, I couldnt drive my car until I could close the door. He didnt answer, turns out he was at the gym. I was super lucky that I got it to close by myself. But I havent felt so alone for such a long time.
There are alot of other stressers in my life at the moment too with wanting to quit my job so I can go to school full time, but I love what I do and I love making money. I dont want to lose this job, my insurance, paycheck. But I also just really want to get done with school so I can move away.
I have had a history with just running away from my problems, this time around school is forcing me to stay put and fight through issues, which  I am grateful for, I am learning a lot of life lessons. But I seriously need a break.... I feel like I just cant do this anymore.