Home for the Holidays

Im so happy to be home for the holidays this year, i dont have my own camera but im going to try my best to get everyone else to snap pics! :D

this is a short post but i just wanted to say happy thanksgiving to everyone! i am so grateful for the blessings i have in my life, my friends and family are the best and i could not ask for more :)

So.. Ive realized something..

I REALLY need a camera to capture all the great moments I am having here!
I had such a great weekend, it was a perfect reminder that I am doing the things that I need to be doing in my life right now and that is -HAVE FUN!
This is my time to live, its my time to heal, and its my time to jump without looking and trusting that I will be caught!
Friday was an amazing adventure! I got to go caving with a group of people my friend knew, we went to the Nutty Puddy caves which are seriously incredible, you cant make it out of there w out being completly covered in mud and dirt! But it was the BEST! I dont think I have had such an adventurous night in my whole life, the caves were full of tiny holes to squeeze yourself into, slippery rocks w no foot holds that would take all your arm strength to get you out, sweet slides to go down head first, rocks that made music when you hit them, seriously had everything you could imagine and more down there! For part of the way back we turned our flashlights off to make it more challenging! :D I seriously cant wait to go back! Once we got outside we played a sweet game of hacki sac with a burning coal from the fire, roasted marshmellos, took a run up a big mountain to see the view- we sat there and waited for a coyote or something to come out and chase us but that didnt happen :( haha

a few of the guys took off their shoes and walked over the burning coals left from the fire...i sadly didnt try that- which im regreting now- shouldve just gone for it ;) hahaha

the caves were in the middle of no where so we had to off road to get there and get back and both the trips in the jeep were awesome! I love off roading. here is a map of the caves :D

I dont know if I have ever been as sore as i was the next day and day after that though. Guess I better work on getting into shape! (i say this as i take another drink of my soda...ooops) :P hah

saturday was a chill day and yesterday was one of the best sundays i have had in a long time. I was kind of scared about going to a family ward by myself but they seriously are like a huge family and the bishop is simply an amazing guy! Im so lucky to be surrounded by so many amazing people that keep helping me get through everything. I also recieved a calling yesterday which I am full heartedly looking forward to!

Im so tired today but I get to go help a girl move out of her place, then help another lady from my ward who's on bed rest, then go to school...not sure if Im gonna make it through the night w out some major caffeeine or something...wish me luck :P

not going to lie...this sucks!

Things are pretty hard for me right now. I just wish things with Nate and I could be more simple. How do you treat someone who you were supposedly completly in love with with such disrespect and hate? I keep feeling like such a fool to be so in love with a man that could obviously care less about me. I wasnt even ready to give up 100% when I left- I thought of it more as a wake up call for him to realize what he was losing. I guess there is a part of me thats a hopeless romantic that thought maybe- just maybe- he would fight for me. That he would do everything and anything he could to save our marriage.
He didnt even wait 2 weeks before making the decision to file for divorce...a whole week and a half was enough time for him to realize he was done. Ouch is all I have to say to that.
Im not trying to have a pity party, this just sucks. I know I deserve so much better than this. But no matter whats been said or done he is still my husband, I chose him out of everyone to be my spouse, I chose him to be the one Id wake up to every morning and to fall asleep next to every night. I chose him to be the Father of my children, I chose HIM to be the one to complete me. I miss him. But I dont like this man he has become, I miss the man I fell in love with, I miss the butterflies and excitement Id get from his touch, I miss the man who said he would do anything for me, the man who said I was the only thing that made him happy. I miss all of that.
Ive got so many things that need to be done now and I am scared to death, I do not want to fight him in court, I dont want to be mean, I just want this to be done so I can move on since he is obviously moving on and away from me. I wish I could talk to him. Or see him, something. Even though I know- he is not the same person at all. The last time I got to hear his voice it didnt even sound like him. There was so much anger in his tone- ugh.
I dont want to ask "why me" because I know there is a perfect reason for everything that comes our way. I just wish this could be easier.
But one thing is for sure, I could not have greater people surrounding me, I love all my friends and family who have been here for me. Thank you all of you for everything.